made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
