Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
