I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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