I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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