Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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