I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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