All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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