ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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