k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
