He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
