Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
and you fell through a lawn chair
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
