im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
