I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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