I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
