He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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