if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize