New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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