I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
