My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
