yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
