Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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