Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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