he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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