We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
