At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
FUCK WHALES
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
