The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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