CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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