I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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