All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
