Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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