I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
