im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
