hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
