i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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