I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
im six kinds of drunk right now
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
