I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
