Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
