I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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