I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
