My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize