He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
