I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize