i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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