Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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