I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
he just fucked me for my cheese.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
