did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
