Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
