You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
