Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
There's even glitter on my cock...
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