What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
