i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
