The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
