Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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