So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
