Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
