I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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